June 14, 2011

Platinum Miss


"People living their lives for you on TV...They say they're better than you and you agree"


If you don't recognize those words, allow me to refresh your memory. That's the opening lyric from  Who Will Save Your Soul? a huge hit from Jewel, the host of Bravo's god-awful new reality series, Platinum Hit

Basically, the show is Top Chef, but instead of cooking meals, the contestants have to write songs. Here's the problem: on Top Chef I can't taste the food that the chefs prepare, so I have to take the judges at their word when they say, "This tastes great, but that tastes like crap." And Padma and Tom usually can put into words exactly what they find wrong with the dishes they hate. We accept their expertise and the cheftestants do as well, even if they disagree. 

On Platinum Hit, I can hear the songs they sing, so I am more than able to form my own opinion as to who should win each challenge and who should be eliminated. As a result, the judges need to be incredibly clear with their criticism in order for me to see things their way, and it is here where Jewel and Kara DioGuardi completely drop the ball. 

Your lyrics need to be special, like "You're lifting me up. My bra, My bra, My bra."
Last night, which will be the last time I watch the show, they tasked the songwriters to write a catchy "road trip" song. Each contestant crafted a chorus and Jewel and Kara picked their top three. The contestants were then split into three teams to fine-tune and finish those "winners." 

After the writing was all sung and done, we got to hear the end product: one uptempo "road trip" ditty and two angst-ridden dirges. So naturally, the one group that actually did what they were asked to do was deemed the loser by Jewel and Kara. 

Then they reamed out the contestant who had written the hook they already said they liked because apparently, they liked it so much the rest of the song sucked by comparison -- and therefore, she's in danger of being eliminated while the girl who contributed one lyric to the song and the guy who played a little guitar at the beginning of the song were both safe. 

It made so little sense that the contestant herself started crying and screamed, "This makes no sense!" And I have to agree... Jewel and Kara's logic is erratic at best. You can't handpick three songs that you think are the best, team these "winners" with lesser talents (by your own evaluation) and then threaten to eliminate the winners because their inferior cohorts (by your own evaluation) dragged them down to their level. 

But then again, I have only myself to blame. After all, I should have bailed after the premiere episode when Jewel and Kara both ripped into a lyricist for singing, "They say you won't make it." 

"Who are they? You never use they in a song! The audience will think you're talking about them! You've just alienated your entire audience!" 

Once again, I bring your attention to the lyric at the top of this post. Channel changed. The defense rests...

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