The F in WTF is for Finland

Not quite sure why this video was so popular in Scandinavia in its day, but I know why it's so absolutely hysterical today... for all the wrong reasons. 


And please, can somebody tell me what is going on with that bizarre Terry Gilliam-looking dude silently nodding at the start?

Watch Out For Flying Chairs!

I caught about ten minutes of America's Next Great Restaurant on NBC last night, and already I am almost convinced that contestant Sandra Digiovanni (above, left) is really Coach Bob Knight in disguise. 

Please, whatever you do, DO NOT send your meal back to the kitchen!

In One Ear...

This week, I have an article up on ESPN.com about the Pittsburgh Pirates and their young outfielder, Andrew McCutchen. 

Some, shall we say, less-than-honest websites out there, starved for original content, will outright steal: cutting-and-pasting the text of my articles, and publishing them on their own sites. Actually, I noticed sites like these often will first run the article through a translator into some other language and then back into English, resulting in a phrase like "Ichiro is a strong bat" morphing to "Ichiro has the power of concussion."

So to save these nefarious evil-doers both time and effort, I ran my the first few paragraphs from my McCutchen piece through Google Translator, bouncing it around from English to Japanese to Spanish to Urdu and eventually, back to English... 

I'm sure my arguments need no further explanation:

The Pittsburgh population lost 105 attacks, it was a disaster. I blame the Netherlands. I go dismal fate successful pioneers include, finally, that the action plan from the next generation at all sites must be paid according to the last part. 

In all this darkness, there is one true sign of hope. He alone is of concern  among outfielders in total, because of his negotiations. We project a real danger of escape, a reason for concern, his course may have time to blow Hitoshi Hazime.

Samurai Pizza Cats, from Exec. Producer, Hitoshi Hazime Guri

Last year, look at crime statistics and the associated overall project, the number of players per team in accordance with the War. You must take into account the number looking for part-time work. Only one: McCutchen.

I use a bare chest.

Yoshi Yoshi, we need to win its first season. Oh, the pirates of the disastrous year of Miley Cyrus. "She's a star so far. We do not lose the bottom of the flower!"

Nailed It!

Check out a spot-on parody of the American Idol audition shows from the often-brilliant Randy Rainbow.

What a Fool Believes

It's just a jump to the left!

PHONECIA, New York — You may be signing that checkbook with your John Hancock today, but you might be surprised to find that you actually should be using your Higb Glbxixj.

A new alphabet was unveiled recently by linguists at Upstate Tech in New York, with each letter shifted one space on the traditional keyboard, moved thanks to the efforts of the moon’s gravitational pull.

“The ancient civilization that developed our alphabet used stone tablets, which were far heavier than the loose sheets of paper that we use today, and were thusly immune to the forces of the solar system. During the ensuing millenniums, the moon's gravitational pull has made the Earth 'wobble' around its axis, creating a one-letter shift in our language's letter-to-symbol correspondence," said Bob "Viv" Jones, Professor of Fine Arts at UTNY.

Thus our new alphabet reads as follows: LVXSWDFGUHJKNBIOPEARYCQZTM.

The change will take some time to get used to, but will slowly be transitioned into common usage by the summer of 2012, just before the Mayan calendar runs out and all life on Earth ceases to exist.

LH Nlaa contributed to this report.

On the Wings of Uruguay

Hey, Steven, Forlan is shining at the World Cup.

Trek Tok, or $tar Trek

Swiss Goalie is Not a Cowherd - Or Is He?

Building a World Cup Title - Brick by Brick

Mexico's Coach Killed Laura Palmer

20 Random Thoughts

1. As much as I’d like to believe that children are our future, how can I get behind any philosophy espoused by that nutjob Whitney Houston?

2. I have seen one of the Sweathogs naked… sadly, it wasn’t Barbarino… and it wasn’t pretty.

3. I have always found it far easier to write things down rather than to say them out loud. Maybe this is why I’m far better at keeping in touch with old friends than I used to be before the internet and e-mail became so omnipresent in our lives.

4. Having said that, I probably should write my wife a lot more love notes than I do.

5. I hold the record for the highest score on MTV’s “Remote Control” not to win the game. At least I got to “Sing Along With Colin” and take home some kick-ass British Knights as a parting gift.

6. I have been trying to get a book published, and have a very supportive literary agent who is as frustrated as I am with the response thus far. “Great writing… but a little too niche,” we recently heard. This astounded us coming from the same publisher who just released Keith Hernandez’ treatise on the 2008 Mets. Yeah, I’m sure there are millions clamoring to read about the time Marlon Anderson got a headache.


7. The night that “Melrose Place” premiered, I was in a hotel room with my friend Ron on an Indian reservation… I believe we were in Oklahoma. Ron went out before the show to pick up some liquid refreshment for the occasion, and I still remember his fury upon returning, around an hour later, about having to drive fifteen miles to the nearest liquor store, screaming “How can you not sell beer here? You're supposed live up to the stereotype!” Good times.

8. Of all the things about my son that I envy, and there are many things (youth and innocence, just to name two) – what I’m most jealous of is his sponge-like ability to retain information. He can recall the exact outfit he was wearing on an uneventful trip to the supermarket six months ago. I can barely remember what TV show I am watching once it goes to commercial.

9. I never even considered trying sushi until my wife introduced it to me. Now, if I don’t eat it at least once a month, I get cranky.

10. I have seen the Mets win a World Series, the Giants win Super Bowls, the Rangers win a Stanley Cup and Syracuse win an NCAA basketball championship. Yet nothing short of the US Men’s Soccer team winning the World Cup will ever match the feeling of watching the US Hockey Team beat the USSR at Lake Placid… which is why I’m so passionate about the team. I want to feel that feeling one more time.

11. I think my philosophy of life can be summed up in three simple words: Kids love monkeys.


12. If there was one invention from science fiction that I wish was “real” and in widespread, affordable use, it would probably be the transporter. I’d love to be able to hang out with my friends far more often than I do, but the actual “travel” involved is the biggest obstacle to that.

13. I used to think it would be awesome to discover a time machine so I could go back in time and make a few changes in the choices I have made. However, now that I am happily married to my best friend and have an amazing son to boot, there’s no way I’d risk going back in time and changing anything.

14. One of my camp counselors growing up was Larry Rudolph, who went on to become Britney Spears’ manager. Knowing that now, I’m a bit peeved that back then he didn’t seem to care too much for the demo tape we made at Hershey Park.


15. I took some French in school from 4th grade all the way through high school. When my wife and I went to Montreal just after our son was born, we couldn’t find the restaurant we were looking for. I asked a local proprietor for directions in French and got us there. Who says you never use the stuff you learn in school?

16. I’m willing to put up with a lot of unbelievable plot points in order to enjoy a movie, so long as the movie-makers do their best to stay true to whatever zany universe they’ve invented. However, that completely goes out the window as soon as the name “Sandra Bullock” appears in the credits.

17. I am convinced there are no six words in the English language more disturbing to hear when attending your favorite band’s concert than the following: “Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Elton John!”

18. Back in junior high, when my friend Jason and I would walk home from school, there was this small sitting area with a narrow gate we had to pass through. Each time, we’d alternate who went first, just like the credits of “Cagney & Lacey” alternated Sharon Gless and Tyne Daly each week. That’s not an obscure reference… that’s the actual rationale we had for doing it.


19. I don’t know where I’m going… but I sure know where I’ve been. Sorry. There I go again, thinking I’m David Coverdale. What is wrong with me?

20. There's not a television show on the air right now that couldn't be made a little bit more interesting with the addition of one simple plot twist… Dinosaurs!

It Wasn't Me(t)

Not date Jessica?

So, several friends of mine have sent me a link from a post on Jezebel.com where a woman named Jessica talks about what it was like to date Mr. Met. Let me be right up front about this - it was not me that Jessica encountered, but as someone who "created" the modern reputation of said major league mascot, I feel obligated to respond to a few of the things she said.

1) Jessica says she dated Mr. Met for about a month after meeting him through match.com and that she didn't even know who Mr. Met was because she was from another state. Later on she says she's a Cubs fan.

I cry shenanigans. Look, it would be one thing if she had said she never watched sports. But to claim to be a fan of a baseball team - and a National League team no less - I can't believe Jessica had no idea who or what Mr. Met was. Surely at some point in her life, she would have seen a Cubs game broadcast from Shea Stadium. And even if she hadn't, it's not that difficult to put two and two together.

2) Jessica says she thinks it would have been hard to date him during the season, since she works 9-to-5 and he works mostly nights.

This is simply post-breakup rationalization. For one, she says they dated one month after the season ended, so she has no real idea. Plus, with the baseball schedule being a series of homestands and road trips, she probably would have been able to see him more often than say, a bartender who works nights all week long every week of the year or perhaps a cop or doctor who pulls the graveyard shift. If you're in a relationship, you make do. Jessica is just making excuses.

3) Jessica claims he had a suit at home so he could get "rented out for private appearances" during the season.

The Mr. Met costume that I wore cost several thousands of dollars and management would get upset over how often we asked to clean the uniform. There was no second suit. Assuming for the moment that the team has finally gotten enough wisdom to have a backup suit made, I find it highly unlikely they would let it be taken off the premises and kept in somebody's apartment - in a garbage bag no less. She also claims he made a lot of money doing these appearances. Again, based on experience, if I even believed Jessica dated Mr. Met - which I don't - I'd say she is either assuming, or more likely, he lied to her about how much he makes. A novel theory, I know, assuming a guy might lie about how much he makes.

4) Jessica says, "Well it was a strain being that I worked during the day and he worked in the evenings and on weekends."

Hold up, Jessica. You said you dated him for a month - and right at the end of the season… which means he wasn't working in the evenings and on weekends, because the season was over. If anything, if he did have appearances during the week, they'd more likely be at schools, meaning during the day - the same time as you. Don't be blaming the mascot job for the fact he didn't want to spend any time with you.

5) Jessica claims her boyfriend had been Mr. Met "for like 10 years."

OK. Here's the smoking gun. I know for a fact I was Mr. Met from 1994-1997. Then a guy named Derrick came in. He was from out of town, and not a lifelong Mets fan as Jessica claimed her beau was, so it wasn't him. Even assuming it was the guy who took over the reins next in 1999, ten years later makes it 2009, or last year. But Jessica claims that at the time, she was an actress in her twenties. That seems to imply this wasn't a recent relationship - after all, she didn't even really remember their first date, which would have been only a few months ago.

In other words… Jessica. You are either a liar, you don't exist, or this guy was totally snowing you with the whole Mr. Met thing. That's right… I'm calling you out!

What do you have to say for yourself, so-called Jessica person?

Translated!

Here are your Answers!

1. "Please think about the people in this country." - Lou Gehrig's famous farewell speech transforms into something a lot less apt to sound good echoing through a silent Yankee Stadium.

2. "There are financial consequences, hearing and language means at the game console." - Somehow this is what became of Allen Iverson's diatribe on practice. Somehow it still all comes down to money with him.

3. "Games! Speak of - game gone riding, right? Note - 'seats of hair and heat'! Hope to win every race! Games!" - As was correctly guessed by commenter Ccgurrola, this is Jim Mora's high-pitched commentary on playoffs. Well done! I'm not sure how a little of Herm Edwards slipped in there doing the process: "You hope - to win - every race!"

4. "We will appeal process, but with hope ... Mensiummu now!" - I didn't think anyone would get this one, and I was right. This is actually what a tipsy Broadway Joe said during a sideline interview with ESPN's Suzy Kobler, asking for a smooch. Seems a lot more angry here, don't you think?

5. "I think you think? I think? I check? Finally, in the first three pages, please contact the winner!" - This was Tommy LaSorda's curse-filled rant after being asked what he thought of Dave Kingman's performance after the slugger hit three home runs.

6. "It is not." - Although not much less ambiguous, thank goodness Shoeless Joe was a little more positive when he whispered in the cornfield, or else we never would have had a movie.

7. "Tuesday the price ... Mecca working! You! Yanko success." - I had to laugh out loud as I watched the radio call of the Mets winning Game 6 of the 1986 World Series -- "Rounding third Knight, the Mets will win the ball game. Unbelievable! The Red Sox in stunned disbelief!" -- somehow become all about the Yankees.

8. "I love Moses Code, some group of people Dilantunkan." - Song lyrics oftentimes make no sense, but I think I like the start of The Joker better in its original form. At least Maurice is easier to sing than Dilantunkan.

9. "Eat!" - This is Mrs. Garrett screaming "Tootie!" Apparently, all she wanted was for the girl to get off her roller skates and have a sandwich.

Willis Others?

I've been having a lot of fun with Bad Translator, a website where you can type in any text you like, up to 250 characters, and it runs it through Google Translator, bouncing it back and forth between 54 different world languages and back again to English, over and over again until spitting out the final result. It's interesting what remains of the original meaning, and how much gets, with apologies to Bill Murray, lost in translation.

The title of this post was the result of sending Arnold Jackson's famous query "What'choo talkin' about Willis?" through the translator. Here are a few more 'results' for you to peruse. Can you guess the original sources? Feel free to post your guesses in the comments below. I'll post the answers tomorrow.

1. "Please think about the people in this country." - Baseball

2. "There are financial consequences, hearing and language means at the game console." - Basketball

3. "Games! Speak of - game gone riding, right? Note - 'seats of hair and heat'! Hope to win every race! Games!" - Football

4. "We will appeal process, but with hope ... Mensiummu now!" - Football

5. "I think you think? I think? I check? Finally, in the first three pages, please contact the winner!" - Baseball

6. "It is not." - Baseball movie

7. "Tuesday the price ... Mecca working! You! Yanko success." - Famous baseball call

8. "I love Moses Code, some group of people Dilantunkan." - Song lyric

9. "Eat!" - TV dialogue