New Moon, Same Crap

The Saga Continues... much to my chagrin

So, when we last left the gang of Twilight after the first movie, poor depressed Bella had nearly died at the hands of the Black-Eyed Peas, who had interrupted her baseball game with her vampire boyfriend and his family. 

In New Moon, the second movie of this planned five-part franchise, Bella turns 18 and goes back to Casa Cullen to celebrate. Unfortunately, she gets a paper cut while opening a present and young (admittedly, a relative term in vampire films) Jasper can't control his hunger -- and lunges after her, ruining the party. Of course, this is all fairly dumb, since all Bella wants for her birthday is to have Edward turn her into a vampire...  but Edward stubbornly refuses that request, and instead decides it's "too dangerous" for the Cullens to remain around. He breaks up with Bella and the family disappears.

Miserable, Bella sits in her room for months on end, in a montage sequence which served no purpose other than to waste several minutes of running time. Eventually, Bella snaps out of her funk long enough to spend some time with Jacob, who *shocker* reveals himself to be a werewolf in order to save Bella when will.i.am comes back for a midday snack.

There's some other stuff involving Bella seeing visions of Edward whenever she does something dangerous, like riding a motorcycle without a helmet, cliff diving, or running with scissors. Somewhere in all of this mess, Bella goes to the movies on a date with Jacob and a non-supernatural suitor, Mike -- who ends up getting sick and wants to simply go home (perhaps to his Mummy?)  

The plot sickens..

Evil Fergie returns to try and kill Bella, but the werewolf gang holds her at bay. But, wacky hijinks ensue when Jacob tells Edward over the phone that Bella's father is "arranging a funeral" and Edward somehow takes that to mean Bella is dead, rather than you know, ask "Whose funeral?"

Anyway, that's when Edward travels to Italy to visit the "oh so fancy" Volturi (pictured above). The Volturi are basically the vampire police and they all have mysterious powers and since Edward is now sad, he wants them to kill him, which they will only do if he reveals his true nature to humans. 

Bella arrives at the last minute -- despite the fact that Edward is hours ahead of her, and we actually watch several scenes of her driving around the Italian countryside -- to keep this from happening, but then the Volturi decide that either Edward must turn her into a vampire or they will kill her. Need I point out again -- this  is what she wants -- yet he again refuses.

But eventually it all works out when the "read your mind" vampire sees that the "see the future" vampire is telling the truth when she says that Bella will become a vampire before too long, so why don't the Volturi just let the Cullens go back home and instead eat those human tourists in the next room. Seriously, so cliche. I mean how many times have we seen that lame plot device used? 

Austin Scarlett, Volturi fashion designer

So how does New Moon end? Edward at long last agrees he'll turn Bella into a vampire -- um, soon. He'll do this even though if he bites her, the werewolves will end their truce with the vampires for biting a human, for the last time, EVEN THOUGH IT IS WHAT SHE WANTS!!! The only thing Bella has to do first? Marry Edward. 

Fade to black.

Roll credits.

Boom boom pow! 

Hey, gang... brace yourselves. I gotta feeling Eclipse is even worse...